Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
is it earth
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination