To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me driving through Toronto
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No