People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Wise advice
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.