Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I already tried new things thanks.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Introverted vegans go meetless
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.