Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.