[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
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I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity