They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
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[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME