When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Legend 🤣🤣
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
two people or more is called a problem
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss