After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
We found love in a hopeless place.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie