*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
🖤✌🏽
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti