My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know