Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight