Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”