when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single