One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
He just like my cat fr
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.