Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro