[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
found my next D&D character name
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
The French cow says MEUX…
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.