If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Yoga Matt
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
who wore it better?