My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
A drum solo but on your face.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Incredible customer service.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken