“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.