My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Does beer think about me too?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?