To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.