trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this