It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier