My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
They’re stuck in your pants?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.