[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
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A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.