If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*