Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
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DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty