The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Yoga Matt
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*