Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute