I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word