Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
i’m still crying at this
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill