“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?