Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
the composer
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink