Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
ME (calling my horse with no name):
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.