[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Love this one 😂🧟
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
me logging onto twitter
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.