I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
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How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.