me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
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Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.