[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.