If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.