I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.