I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
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If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*