I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!