COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
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Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Don’t we all.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home