My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
So true for me
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
what’s more important?
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.