You Might Also Like
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
But wait…
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I have obtained a hat
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic