Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Dolls on drugs
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn