Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
incredible book dedication
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.