I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Dishonest mechanic?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that