If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I hope they boil the right one.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.